Sometimes it all just seems so unreal

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The other day at the office I was so tired that I couldn’t concentrate. I found myself daydreaming about my childhood; about life with my parents. For a moment there, it all felt like a figment of my imagination. It felt like my life with my parents never really happened. It all just seemed so unreal.

It has been nearly two decades since I lost my parents and although some of my memories of them are as clear as daylight, there are many aspects of my “pre-orphan childhood” that I do not remember. I know that my parents were alive at some point in my life, and I recall many wonderful memories we shared, but sometimes it all sort of feels “made-up”. I know it may sound bizarre, but life with my parents sometimes feels so far away that I have a hard time reaching it and so my mind tries to convince me that it just never happened. At times it feels like I’ve been an orphan my whole life.

The person I was before losing mom and dad is different to the person I am today. It is almost like two separate lives. When my parents died, an integral part of me died too and I guess that that part of me never saw the light of day again. Perhaps that’s why sometimes the “new me” has a hard time connecting with the realities of life as the “old me”. Perhaps that’s why sometimes it all feels like fiction. Quite frankly, I hate this feeling because it is a reminder that mom and dad died so many years ago.

I checked the definition of the word “memory” on the internet. In simple terms, memory is defined as “something remembered from the past”. Pretty straightforward right? Well, not really. At least not for me. I know that what I remember happened, but sometimes it all just feels off. Like when you wake up after a vivid dream and for a few seconds you have a hard time deciding whether it was real or all just a dream. That’s the feeling! Man, I hate it!

Anyway, this annoying feeling only happens once in a while (perhaps not even once a year). When it does, I have to remind myself that my memories are to be cherished. No matter how much time has passed since mom and dad died, that time cannot erase the time I spent with them. It happened. It was real. It was beautiful. It will always be a part of me (even the new me)…