My biggest fear

Fear. There are countless proverbs and famous quotes with this word as the centre. Google defines the word "fear" as "an unpleasant emotion caused by the threat of danger, pain, or harm" or "a feeling of anxiety concerning the outcome of something or the safety of someone.". As we grow and experience new things, our fears tend to shift. It's said that newborns fear falling and loud noises, and perhaps the eldering fear the unknown of death. My fears have shifted over the years, and only recently I figured out what my biggest fear is...


As a child, prior to my parents dying in a car accident, my fears were quite ordinary: big dogs, the dark, ants (yes, those tiny and annoying insects!), heights... After my parents died, I feared to lose any more people I loved. I feared that initial feeling of shock; the feeling I had felt the moment I had been told that my parents were no longer alive.


One thing I never really thought about, even after becoming an orphan, was the fear of death. I never really thought about death outside of my parents dying, and so I guess I never really gave my mind the "chance" to develop thanatophobia (the fear of death). But that somehow changed when I became a mother...


Since giving birth to my daughter back in 2018, my biggest fear is that of her ever becoming an orphan. The pain I went through went I lost my parents at the age of 10 is a pain I can't wish on my worst enemy, let alone my own child. Although I don't really fear the actual physical process of dying, I am terrified by the possibility that I'll die before my child is an independent adult, capable of defending herself against the dangers of this world.


On some nights when I kiss her goodnight, I feel intense fear; terrified of not waking up in the morning and not being able to take care of her and to protect her. I never want her to feel what I felt when I became an orphan. I never want her to have a childhood even slightly similar to mine.


I don't know if I'll ever get over this feeling of intense fear. I don't know how to begin to face it. Although the thought doesn't cross my mind very often, when it does it is gut-wrenching!

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