Motherless mother - just the beginning

I always thought that with time things would get easier and that I wouldn't miss my parents as much did as a child. Well, I was sorely mistaken - the older I get the more I realize just how unfortunate (for lack of a better word) it is to lose a parent, let alone two parents, at a young age. This became even more apparent nearly two years ago when I gave birth to my daughter...


The very first night I spent with my daughter, I lay awake in my hospital bed, my body aching from an unplanned c-section. I stared at the tiny little baby that lay peacefully next to me, as the noise of the night shift nurses cackling in the corridor faded into the background of my thoughts. "What do I do now?", I asked myself, although deep down I yearned to ask my mother. Don't get me wrong; instinctively I sort of knew what to do, but I secretly wished I could have had my mother around to impart wisdom and guide me. It was at that moment that I realized that being a motherless mother is "a thing"...


My husband and sister, no matter how supportive they were, couldn't fill the hole that had suddenly appeared in my heart. The joy of becoming a new mother was accompanied by a feeling of intense emptiness, which in turn led to guilt and postpartum depression...


I guess a part of me feared to embark on the journey of motherhood without having my own mother's guidance, and a part of me felt scared of making mistakes I could never remedy. But the biggest thing that haunted me day in and day out was the fear of passing on the pain and sadness to my newborn baby. I didn't want to be sad, but I was. I didn't want to be depressed, but I was, and the thought of my emotions negatively impacting my child was overwhelming.


My daughter will be two years old very soon and I am grateful for the progress I've made. I know that there are many more obstacles ahead of me, motherless mother obstacles, but I'm up for the challenge. At times I find myself thinking about my mother and the choices she made (well, at least those I think she made), and I feel inspired and motivated. I guess the bit that I remember of her helps me with my motherhood journey.


I am coming to terms with the fact that I am a motherless mother, and it is just the beginning...


DROP ME AN EMAIL

© 2023 by Train of Thoughts. Proudly created with Wix.com