I just had to escape... but it was never about you

For years I held on to everything I knew and owned from the my "pre-orphan" life, but that all stopped when I turned 18. For some reason, I didn't want anything to do with my "old" life - the places, belongings and even the people. I just had to escape...


See, after I turned 18 years old I had to fend mostly for myself. I remember going to bed on an empty stomach, crying from both the pain of hunger and the pain of feeling abandoned. The memories I had of a happier childhood no longer fit in my life - the memories no longer made sense and felt too distant to be real. How could such beautiful memories and such sombre memories all be a part of one life? My mind couldn't process it. I just had to escape...


As time went by, I distanced myself from everything and everyone that remotely reminded me of my happy childhood. My longing to reconnect with these places and people slowly vanished and was replaced by fear. I did not want to remember being happy. I was scared that the memory of better days would pull me back into the dark pit I was trying to climb out of. I just had to escape...


I stopped all communication with childhood friends, I moved as far away from my old neighbourhood as I possibly could, I left social media and for a moment I even stopped eating noodles (the kind my mother often made for me - the kind I wished she were still around to make). The burden was too heavy to carry, and the memories weighed me down. I just had to escape...


A few months ago, after chatting with a good friend of mine, I realized just how broken I really was. Hiding from my pain was never a solution. Pretending my happy childhood never existed just broke me even more than the death of my parents did. My friend said "you need to heal while you're healing, and you need to allow yourself to truly be happy. You can't be a victim of your pain...". I cried a lot that night, realizing that I no longer had to escape...


I dedicate this blog post to all of those places, things and people from which I removed myself - every restaurant, every street, every book, every teacher, every friend, every cousin, every aunt, every uncle, every mentor, every supporter and every memory. There was a time in my life when I just had to escape; but it was never about you. I escaped for me...

DROP ME AN EMAIL

© 2023 by Train of Thoughts. Proudly created with Wix.com