For me to BE, they WERE

For the past three years or so, I’ve noticed that there is something about my hands that reminds me of my mother’s hands. Although I cannot pinpoint exactly what that something is, whenever I see my hands (especially in photographs) my brain immediately thinks of my mother’s hands and it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. This brings me to the topic of today’s blog post – realising that my parents will always be a part of me.  

In the early days of my orphanhood, the existence of my parents was still very fresh in my mind. I could still smell my mother’s perfume throughout the house and the sound of my father’s voice actively animated my ears. Although my mind knew what had happened, my heart had not registered that I’d never see my parents alive again. It was a bizarre feeling; not really denial and not disbelief either, but rather a void.

As time went by, things I had once taken for granted were no longer accessible: the song in my mother’s laugh, the base in my father’s voice, the accent my mother had when she spoke English… These were all things my mind knew existed, but time and suffering had made it nearly impossible to remember with precision. As I grew up, the beautiful memories I had cherished for as long as I could became so faint that all that was left for me to hang onto was my knowledge that they once existed.

As I grow into my womanhood, I am starting to notice little things about myself, certain family members and the world in general that are “activating” parts of my memory that I was unable to reach for many years. Although I cannot remember exactly what those things are, I feel so much warmth and joy when my heart feels a connection to any trait, food, place, smell, etc. Just writing this blog post is giving me butterflies in my stomach and a sense of joy I don’t know how to explain! It is as though the essence of who my parents are and were is constantly around me and keeping my heart warm.

My parents will always be a part of me and I will forever be a part of them. Death cannot take that away from us. In order for me to be, they were. I will forever be an extension of my parents' existence. That right there, no matter what anyone else says, is beautiful. 

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