For a split second, I forgot...

The past two years have been eye-opening for me. Becoming a mother opened my eyes to the many wounds I never truly knew I had; wounds that without a doubt stem from becoming an orphan at such a young age. All my orphan life, since that life-changing day in 2003, the feeling of loneliness has haunted me; but for a split second, today, I forgot... I actually forgot that I am an orphan...


During my pregnancy and then after having my daughter I went through waves of intense depression. It's as though every single major life event reminds me that I am parentless. I longed for my mother my entire pregnancy, and I longed for her even more during labour, but nothing compares to the longing I felt when I held my daughter in my arms for the first time and realized that I had just become a motherless mother. I guess it dawned on me that I would never be able to pick up the phone and ask my mother for advice, and from that moment on the constant feeling of loneliness nudged at my heart every chance it got.


Don't get me wrong - I've been happy. Watching my daughter grow into the feisty and intelligent little girl she is today has definitely been a breath of fresh air; growing as a wife has been interesting and exciting, and just growing into adulthood has been quite interesting. But through it all, the constant thought of "being an orphan" has never left me... not until this afternoon... just for a split second...


I was deciding what I wanted to write to "inaugurate" my new blog. As I thought about all the things I wanted to write about, I scrolled through old photographs on my phone, somewhat unconsciously. I scrolled past a picture of my mom and dad, and I smiled and continued scrolling for no more than a few seconds. And then out of the blue, I scrolled back up to the picture and I felt a pinch in my heart. I had just realized that I had smiled at their picture as though I were smiling to them in the flesh, forgetting that they are no longer physically with me. I kid you not, that was the very first time that I forgot that they weren't around. It was probably the very first time that I "forgot"...


Anyone who has experienced the loss of a loved one will tell you that some moments are good and others are really bad. Sometimes you are so consumed with life that it seems that the grief has left you, but the reality is that moves along with you. If I have to isolate the last two years of my life (pregnancy and becoming a mom), I can honestly say that even the happy moments have been reminders of the absence of my parents. This is what makes this afternoon so bizarre for me. For that very short moment, I didn't feel the void that I've felt every single day. I felt... how do I put this? ... I felt... well... nothing...


After that happened, I was in a funk for the rest of the day - moody and unhappy for no apparent reason. I thought about it and it bothered me that I was unbothered (no matter how short my "unbothered-ness" had lasted). But then, as I listened to one of my father's favourite song (headphones on and volume as high as my poor ears could take) that I had nothing to be worried about. I realized that with time, grief evolves and adapts - just like with time we evolve and we adapt to the absence of the loved one(s) we've lost. This very first feeling of "nothingness" isn't nothing. In reality, it's a feeling of peace, peace within my grief.


Don't be afraid to live your life, fearing that you'll forget about the loved one(s) you've lost or that you'll forget about the pain. I'm starting to understand that grief isn't all about the pain we feel when we recall the physical absence. Grief, above all, is about the love we feel for that person or those people who have passed - and love can be experienced in so many different ways through time and circumstances.


For a split second, I thought I had forgotten... but the reality is that my grief, once again, is evolving and I choose to embrace it.


Thank you for reading this post (and sorry if I started off rambling). I truly hope this helps you with any conflicting emotions you may be going through.


Stay positive and keep shining!

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